Unsettled

Feeling unsettled is one of the worst feelings you can have. You feel like something is going to change, needs to change, and you’re waiting for that change, desperately,hopefully, happy and excited, and even terrified. You don’t feel comfortable in the present. You want to be something else, somewhere else, some time else, some ONE else, but no matter what you want, what you try, you’re still just you, even if you don’t really know who YOU is. Especially when you don’t know who you is. It feels like something is banging on the other side of this door. At the same time, you’re piling furniture against this door, and also looking for the key to unlock it, both wanting it to slam open and wanting it to stay shut forever.Because as long as it stays shut, even if it hurts you, you can still pretend to be who everyone wants and expects you to be. Because you feel somewhat secure in the mold others have made for you, even when it tightens, even when it begins to feel like it’s suffocating you.  You tell yourself this is ok, that you’re happy, and a part of you may even be, but another part wants something different, a different life, a different world, a different you.